Well, we're finally settling in to the new apartment. I have to say, I love this one so much more than our last. There's much more room and, despite the quirks every place comes with, it feels more like a home. I can't wait to have people over! The only thing that would make this all perfect was if my cat would shut up at night so we could sleep. She's fine for the first couple of hours but then she walks around the apartment, crying in this loud and super obnoxious voice. If she does it tonight, I might lock her in the bathroom. Sounds mean, but I need some sleep, man.

Work on the game is coming along nicely. I'm so thankful for Lee, and the eye for detail she has. I'ma big picture seer, she's a little picture seer. People like me need people like her.

My chest hurts a lot right now so this is going to be a short entry. I'm going to laze on the couch, watch "Criminal Minds", and get to answering the list of questions Lee has sent me.

Remember...it's athinblackline on IJ. Join it. You know you want to.

It's moving day! It's moving day!!!!!

Twilight was AWESOME! SOme parts made me twitch in all the right ways, while some made me twitch in all the wrong ones. However, on a scale of one to ten, I totally give it an eight!

I still hate Kristen Stewart as Bella. Like...hate her. But whatev. She'll be perfect for the emo wreck Bella is for New Moon, I guess.

Anyway, we're outta here today. With any luck, I'll be back online by tomorrow night at the latest. If not...well, you know why!

I can't wait for tonight! I am one of the awesome dorks going to the midnight Twilight showings all across the country. Freckles, Sara, Heather, and my brother will be going as well, and I have been looking forward to this for awhile. The last midnight showing I went to was X3 and it was so much fun. There's nothing like being in a room packed full of crazy fanatics such as yourself, and enjoying a movie together. Even when we all know full well that it will not even come close to doing the book justice. I'm still rather excited.

We start moving tomorrow, so if I go offline for awhile, that's why. Sadly, we're still stuck with dial-up for awhile because...well, we can't afford the extra that DSL or cable would be. At least not right now. Who knows what the future will bring?

Packing up, I realized we need to save up for a lot of things. Like new pots and pans since ours really really need to be replaced. A new VCR since ours is...well, crap. It won't rewind most of the time and tapes we play all jump and skip. Yes, I realize a DVR would be better, but it's also more expensive. Whatever. I keep my eye on Freecycle anyway because we're looking for some more furniture and a washer and dryer as well. I've put stuff on and gotten stuff from Freecycle before and people don't give away trash. Most of the time, they are giving away good quality things that they just don't need anymore. Good stuff.

Ooooh, I'm hungry. Maybe I should go figure out what I can scrounge up for lunch. Groceries are something we need as well, but I don;t see them on Freecycle too often. *giggles*

So my chances of winning NaNo this year have just gone down significantly. Why would that possess me to type "Yay!" into the subject you might wonder? Well, because the time I could normally spend on writing will now be devoted to some deep cleaning and PACKING!!!!!

That's right ladies and germs. We. Are. Outta Here! The apartment is the entire second floor of a two apartment house. The living room is the size of our now living room and kitchen combined. There's a nice big kitchen, two good sized bedrooms, a deck....oh my gosh, it's wonderful. You know what made it exciting for me? I could picture all my girls over for bible study in that living room. And we wouldn't be squished! And doing the movie theme thing once a month will be so much easier with a big living space and a big kitchen. I'm so excited about this move, I could cry.

The only drawback is the stairs. They are rather steep and I know the summer is going to kill me in the humidity. But it's a more than fair trade in my opinion. Plus it's closer to Kate so we can harass each other a lot more. That's exciting, too, since we haven't seen each other since before Ian left CBC. She's offered to come over and help us pack, so has Blue and a couple other people.

I love my friends. Seriously. I have the best people in my life.

So now we need some furniture. Here, we only have space for the smaaaaalllllll entertainment center and this dinky loveseat. We need furniture! HEHEHEHEHEH!

*weeps* And a new car. I don't know for certain yet, but I'm fairly certain they are going to tell me that it's not worth putting the money into the car to get it fixed. I'm trying very hard to be optimistic about it but am kind of failing at it.

We'll see. Right now I'm just going to be overjoyed about the apartment and not freak out about the lack of transportation. It's all good.

These next four years are going to be...eventful. I feel like my prayer life needs to at least double now. And that's all I'm going to say on that.

In other news, it's great to be back on Worship Team! I missed it, and I missed the more relaxed Dona Lynn. Sure, I see her all the time at One Voice rehearsals but she'd different at WT practice. And I decided the things that were bothering me were really quite petty in the grand scheme of things. We're really doing a lot this season as far as dancing goes and all, so I should really just relax. I tried to remind Heather of that but I'm not sure if she really heard me. I mean, she was listening, but I don't know if she heard me.

Well, we officially have twenty-five days to move. I'm not freaking out, just trying not to be impatient. For all I know, the perfect place for us isn't going to be ready until the very last minute. That's one of the cool things about being a Christian...I know it's not in my control. There's so much comfort in that, I can't even explain.

Nessa and I still need to plug away at choreography for "Word of God, Speak" for Christmas. We talked to DL Monday night and told her we were both coming up blank, but she asked us to keep trying. I want to do it because I love to dance, and it would be so cool to actually be part of the Christmas service this year with something we created. I keep having these moments of, "We need Ian back!" but then remember that we've come a long way from first dance class to now. We are dancers, and we are choreographers at our own level. Maybe it's better this way.

NaNo isn't starting off all that great for me. See, now this is what I hate about it. It becomes all about the word count and not so much the quality. What I read for my writer's meeting last night was...well, it was kind of garbage and embarrassing. Yes, I want to win again this year but I would so rather do it with something I'm proud of than something I threw together to win a contest of sorts. I know I can go back and fix it all up later but...I don't know. I'm just really bothered with the quality of writing I have when it's more about the word count than the actual story itself.

Anyway, it's off to go pick up the boy. Here's hoping that maybe TODAY my car is ready. If not, I'm just going to tell them to shove it off a cliff or something. For Christmas everyone, I just want a little Wii car. I can't remember what they're actually called, but I think they come in a box with assembly required, they're so small!

Right, so let's see if I can get back to the whole updating once a day thing. I doubt it will happen, especially since Midnight is the official kick-off of NaNo but...hey, everyone's gotta have goals, right?

How sexy is my new banner? *drools* My skills are getting a bit better, if I do say so myself? I would have liked it better if some of my own pictures hadn't been too blurry to use, but you work with what you've got. And yes, I said my own pictures. Sunday night, Heather and I got to go see them in concert and let me just say...it was AMAZING! All the pics are on Facebook so if you want to see them gotta go there and friend me. Holy crap, what a great concert! I swooned over Ryan a little too much, wooted for Damian when he wasn't making my\e cry with "Like a Bird Without Wings" and "Come By the Hills", sighed happily over Keith, and actually fell in love with Paul and George, whom I did not really care for at all beforehand. George is just awesome and his voice is SOOO much better live than on the DVD or the CD. And Paul...man, has he got some pipes. And what a tease! They close the show with "Caledonia" and when he came out (They were all in kilts for this number) he lifted up his kilt to waggle a naked knee around. And every time they turned, they did it with such a flourish that their kilts whirled about them and you could see their undershorts. All of them were so great.

Steven's case has been pushed back for 90 days because his court appointed attorney is actually fighting for him now. GASP! And Brickner was shooting off his mouth, ultimately shooting himself in the foot with some of the things he said so...it's all good. The DA is trying to just make it go away so here's praying he actually succeeds.

My car is dead. Like...my mechanic wants to drive it over a cliff. It's overheating and no one knows why. The thermostat was replaced, pipes bled and all that. I picked it up from the mechanic yesterday and on my way into town, it started doing it again. So I had to go back and leave it there for longer. Not happy.

Last night I also found out that we have 30 days to find another place to live. My current landlord misunderstood when we said we wouldn't be out of here until AT LEAST the first of December. He heard that was when we'd be out and now they have someone lined up to move in. I have not yet reached the panic level and don't really think I will. I know it'll work out and we'll end up where we;re meant to be. No biggie.

Let's see...what else? I'm going up to Maine for the weekend so I won't be around. Heather kind of wasn't happy when I said I wanted time to write while we're all up there but...come on! NaNo starts tonight! If I start from behind, I will never catch up. Mom will write, too, and Heather and Gram can read for awhile. Or enjoy each others' company. I'm a writer and therefore need time to do exactly that. The End.

So that said, I'm really looking forward to getting away and having fun this weekend. Talk to everyone when I get home!

So my car is killing me. We thought it was the thermostat and it most definitely is not. The next best guess is the water pump so we'll see. I'm not amused. If I were president, I would just get rid of money. Let's go back to the good old days when you bartered for services and things you need. It worked for our ancestors, we could make it work for us. Let's get rid of dishonest people in positions of power. Let's stop trying to rewrite the constitution to fit the way we think the world should be, and just read it the way it was written. Let's stop worrying about what is "politically correct", and basing out actions on the way we're afraid other people will react. Let's treat everyone, and I do mean everyone the way we want to be treated. Preach tolerance instead of hatred, compassion instead of condemnation. Let's focus on the children going without food and much needed vaccinations and obsess less over who's getting voted off "Dancing With the Stars" next week. Help people who need it without putting a price tag on it. Love your neighbor, and stop looking out for yourself above all else. You are not the center of the universe.

I am.

*falls over laughing* Okay, I don't really believe that last part but I needed to end my little soap box moment or I'd just keep going on with it.

So Monday dance class is back on. I am the facilitator not the teacher. Lord knows I am not a dancer. At least not without proper instruction. But we're still doing class even though we've lost Ian. It will have the same structure of half hour warm-up and stretching, half hour across the floor stuff, and a half hour of choreography. Vanessa and I are working on actual steps to "Freedom" so we can all learn something new together. There's no point in trying to finish what we started with Ian because it would just...well, fail. I like the idea of all of us creating this new piece together. Somehow it feels more...organic, for lack of a better term.

Obviously, I listen to Mia Michaels too much. ^_^

This weekend is a rehearsal retreat for One Voice, and then we're going to look at an apartment in Laconia. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it and to be objective. It's hard though, because I'm almost at the point where I'll see possibility and potential in a one room shack. Yes, that is how badly I want to move.

Anyway, I need to use this time alone here to get some much needed tidying up done. Or maybe I'll get back to writing again. I kind of miss it.

Well it looks like I'm getting my longed after road trip this year after all. Sucks that it's to see an uncle who probably won't recover from all the serious injuries he's sustained from a 4 wheeling accident. I'm thinking it's going to be about a 24 hour spell in the car with my mom, and she doesn't drive. So I am going to go to bed almost as soon as I get home tomorrow, get up at 3 in the morning, pack my truck, go get her, and get on the road. If at all possible, I am going to drive it straight through. I drove from Cinti all the way home one year because Heather was so exhausted she just couldn't drive. This shouldn't be too much of a stretch. It's just an extra six hours.

Flying would be nice, however it's seriously crazy how much tickets would cost for two round trips to TN. Over $1000. It may end up costing that much in gas since my truck is a guzzler...not to mention if something breaks down like I am having this terrible, awful feeling it will. Brakes or CV joints...one of those are going to go. I just feel it.

Along with this, Heather and I are looking at apartments so we can get out of that apartment ASAP. We saw one Saturday that was just...I don't even know how to put the layout into words. I think it was designed by a blind architect and then completed by 3rd grad engineers. That's the only way it makes sense.

Today we're going to look at two more this afternoon so here's hoping one of them looks good. If not, there are a couple more tomorrow. And if nothing still seems to fit then Blue is going to go look at apartments with Heather for me. If Heather likes any she'll take pics and have Blue email them to me so I can give my opinion. It's our only option now.

So that's it. End of update.

...that I hate the fact that I am single. Most days I'm okay with it. Right now, however, I wouldn't mind having someone who could just hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay. I don't have to believe it, he doesn't even have to believe it. Sometimes, the words just need to be said. And I could use that right now.

I had a good weekend, so I should have almost expected this. It seems like every time I leave home for any amount of overnight time, something happens. I'd blame myself for it all but I know how stupid that is. This weekend I went up to Mechanic Falls, Maine for the Family Weekend that CBC does every year. If I had to rate the good and bad, I'd say it was about 50/50. A lot of it felt more like a couples kind of thing and...well if the opening paragraph wasn't enough to clue anyone in that I'm single, here's your sign.

Anyway, I did have fun playing kickball with everyone, cards with Sara and Melissa. I got a lot of writing done, too. The times when Melissa was off by herself or Sara and Mel were busy and the main group was doing something, I wrote. I know they don't mean to be, or want to be cliqueish but it's hard to get in to that. Especially when everyone is paired off, and then there would be me. Not so fun feeling like the nineteenth wheel on a eighteen wheeler.

Spoons was fun though. Actually, I'm rather addicted to it and want to play it all the time now. I have a bruise on my hand from Sara pulling me across the table, and my watch was literally torn off my wrist. It. Was. Awesome. And then I came home.

Heather says we should look at one bedroom apartments as well as two bedroom because there could be one with a really big bedroom. I said absolutely not. If we're moving together, two bedrooms is the breaker. I will not compromise on this. And then Steven gets popped on a probation violation.

He wasn't doing drugs and hasn't been since he got out a couple months ago, neither has he been drinking. He's been working as much as he can to save up to buy his truck and get his license, and eventually move out to live on his own. What does he get pulled in for? Having swords on his wall.

Dear Adam Brickner,
You are a LIFE RUINER. Normally this is a term cast about in jest. This time, however, I mean every syllable with every single fiber of my being.
Quite Unsincerely,
Diana

He stands to face felony charges somehow and that's pretty much all I know. It's all messed up and I'm scared for him. I really am. My mother is falling apart and my dad is barely holding it together. So I'm going over there for dinner tonight to get any updates I can and try to get them partially sane. It's what I do in this family, after all. I am the bandager when things are broken and bleeding. And this one is gushing.

Tags will get done eventually. I don't think I have any right now, but there are still things that need to get done. Kait, I believe we're waiting on you in the Kitty thread. ;-)

And that's all. I think, since Connor is still sleeping, I will go try and write. My energy has been off all day and it's effecting him. I don't like that. So I need to figure out how to fix that even though I'll only have a couple hours left in my day by the time he wakes up. Writing will help. And who knows, maybe I'll have another chapter finished soon.

But don't hold your breath.

Well, the apartment in Meredith is no longer available. I was wicked bummed last night, let myself cry about it, and now I'm ready to move on. We're still going to look into a place in Meredith, but now it really is looking like we won't be out of here before November. Which seriously depresses me, but Heather wants to give our current landlords a month to find new tenants. I don't know what's customary to give the landlords, but that seems like a really long time to me.

I dunno. I'm just trying not to be too discouraged or frustrated by it all. What I do know is that I am wicked excited for this weekend. A bunch of us from CBC (and family) are going up to Mechanic Falls, Maine for the weekend. I'm not going up until Saturday because of a family reunion I have during the day Saturday. But then Freckles and I are driving up together to be there until Monday sometime. Happy happy!

In other news, it looks like I might have doing my bible study on two different nights for two different, smaller groups. Which is actually totally fine with me. I think it might be better that way somehow. I don;t know why, that's just where my thoughts are going. I do want to make sure I can get everyone together for the movie night once a month, though. That's important, too. My big hangup now, other than the fact that only one person has gotten back to me with a concrete answer as to when they can and can't do it, is that I really wanted to do it at my place. Were we moving right away, that would be perfect. Now that we're not, the plan is to go back to having it in the portables at CBC. Add that to my list of reasons for wanting to be out of here.

*sighs* Anyway....my living room needs to be cleaned so I should probably get to that.

Okay, so the Writer's Block question for today is something about being stranded on an island with a fictional character. I wonder how many put Edward Cullen? He was the first to pop into my mind but then I decided it would totally have to be Jacob. As far as fictional characters go, Edward is squee-tastic. But he's good for Bella. My personal choice would have to be Jake and it's all because of the last book. It made me love him more than Edward. But not by much, I will admit. Anyway, moving on.

So I know I never replied to comments left on my last rant and I'm sorry about that. I did read them, though, and took it all under consideration. I seriously appreciate people taking the time out to give me their views on certain situations.

Things have, it seemes, temporarily resolved themselves. Wow, that's not really very optimistic of me, is it? I'll say they have resolved themselves. Through a friend I found out about another apartment in the area I wanted. It's two bedroom, same rent price as the single bedroom, and I was told they pay almost nothing for electric even in the winter. We even walked past it Saturday and Heather wants me to find out more about it ASAP. She's even talking and making plans as though that is where we are going to move. So she has no big issue with moving to Meredith and that is SOOOOO excellent! Now to find out more about the apartment. I'm still not exactly sure where to start there.

Heather was stressing out yesterday about getting together a security deposit and all that, and I have to say it bummed me out a lot. She was like, "See if waiting until November is an option." I told her it isn't. October is PUSHING it. She's all freaking out about getting carpets in here plus getting a security deposit together. I'm not that worried about it for some reason. I have no idea where the money is going to come from, but I know it will come from somewhere. We're going to have a yard sale in a couple weeks so that should help at least a tiny bit. I'll...see what I can bear to part with and put it on Ebay. I will...I don't know. See if I can find a job that needs people to work on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. Crap, that won't work. One Voice starts again in less than three weeks and Saturdays won't work. Unless I can do mornings. But then on retreat days...and Sunday is one of the days that may be for my Bible study...well, there goes that plan.

*sighs* I don't know. I'll figure something out. There's no way this apartment will wait for October. A month? Seriously? Okay, I'm not going to stress about it. For now, I'll just get this place as clean as I can and start boxing up things we don't need immediately. I think that's a good course of action for now.

I wasn't even going to update this morning since I have a meeting kind of early that I need to get ready for, but then I realized I sorta needed to if Mark and Cindy would be in the same place as Heather tonight. *snorts* Okay, that makes it sound like a fight would break out but it's not even anything like that. Anyway!

So big surprise, I got some council from Mark yesterday after I pretty much gave up. I'm beginning to think I should start paying him. >_> The giving up was a huge step backward for me, and I knew it, and he called me on it. I was too concerned with the feelings and reactions of others to evaluate if this was really where I was supposed to be headed. And I knew I was because I felt that yesterday when I had my little verbal tantrum. I knew that I was bending because people were pushing me, and it was in the wrong direction.

I was going to leave rehearsal early so I could go home and Heather and I could talk some more, and I was going to just lay it all out there, tell her I knew she was scared to be by herself but this was really pulling me. Well, I didn't get to leave until close to 8:30 because...well, things are just crazy with the concert coming up on Saturday and then the Sunday service. And we were going over how it would work and everything so I couldn't leave early. Before we were dismissed, though, we separated into groups to pray. I told my group a little bit about what was going on when other requests were shared, and it was prayed about. Here's where it gets cool.

I was pulling out of the church parking lot and I could hear this chick outside, singing into a microphone with a guitar. She's been at it for almost three hours. I drove past her, right past where the apartment is and these this small group of people in a park type area listening to Hip Hop music and dancing. All I could do was mentally blink and go, "Oh, heck no." I never realized how noisy that area can be at night. And thinking back on it, I've noticed it before, too. It just wasn't really all that important to me then.

By the time I got home, in that twenty minute drive, my heart had changed. I was willing to compromise and not win. I wasn't excited about it, but it wasn't something I was doing just to stop the "discussion". But if we were moving, which we are, it's going to be a two bedroom. Or else it's not happening. And Heather and I talked for awhile about it last night. She agrees on the two bedroom thing and said she's actually excited to move. In fact, she heard from someone today about a two bedroom down in Laconia, somewhere near Blueberry Lane but not on it, that is being renovated. She's going to get more details on it soon. So that's exciting. I'm still looking in Meredith since she decided that it was okay after all. "What's fifteen extra minutes?" she asked me. So I was like, okay then. Meredith is fair game!

So that's what it has boiled down to. We're compromising. Laconia is central to where we both spend a lot of time and it's actually closer to both. Two bedroom will give us space of our own, without being far away from each other. I'm good with that. Finding a place in Meredith would still make it perfect, but it may not be where God wants me. And I'm okay with that.

So it seems like for every two people who think this move is a good idea, there are seven who think it bites. And to be honest, the more people who get upset or whatever about the idea, the more I want to do it. I'm tired of living my life and letting everything I do revolve around how it's going to make everyone feel. This is huge, and this is for me. Maybe it's time I do something huge for me and let people deal with the way they're going to handle it by themselves.

*screams*

Thee, now that I've gotten that off my chest, I might be able to type rationally. Expect this apartment to come up a lot in the next week or whatever because it's pretty consuming right now.

I managed to depress my mother last night. That was a nice twist in the knife that's been in my side for four days now. If there was an award to be given to someone who could make another person feel like crap with the least amount of words and the shortest amount of time, it would go to my mother hands down. She makes me feel guilty for wanting my own life, and leaving Heather had nothing to do with it. I told her everything, as I always do, in hopes that she'd be the adult, the supportive and objective parent that I always wanted her to be but have never ever seen, and she all but sulked. She was like, "So...what about our land? Does that mean you want Steven to have the guest house?" I had to just stare at her for a minute because it was like...are you kidding me right now? My answer was, "Well obviously that would change. When/if we get this land, I want to be there." I have to be there to help build, hire, run the business and everything. And I am so okay with that. "But right now," I continued, "this is being presented to me. This very moment."

She got all quiet and her shoulders sagged and everything. After a few moments she was like, "I guess I always knew you wouldn't be coming there with us." Wow, okay, another dagger in the side, pre-twisted. And I'm sorry, but that response was seriously over dramatic. She wasn't listening to me at all. So we didn't talk about it for awhile until I asked, "Did I make you sad?" She said all these different things and I replied, "But you didn't say no to my question."

"I just feel like we've already lost so much of you since you started going to CBC."
"How do you feel like you've lost me?"
"Well...I don't go to church anymore. We don't see you as much as we used to..."

o_O So it's my fault you don't go to church? You don't have a husband with a vehicle who, if you asked him, would probably bring you? And I'd still be coming down once a week! Why do people not want me to do this? I want one good reason. One good reason!

And now I've just talked to Heather's mom and she said Heather was freaking out last night. Like seriously, she was saying, "I can't lose her. I don;t care where we go, I just can't lose her."

Seriously? I just don't even know anymore. I'm so freaking tense and stressed out that I'm almost at the point where I don't care. Yes, I want this apartment, but if it's going to send everyone over the edge...then we'll just compromise. We'll find some two bedroom place in Laconia or wherever. I can't handle depressing my mother any further or sending Heather into a mental breakdown. I'll talk to her tonight and set her mind at ease about this so she can stop freaking out. I'm not going to call and inquire about the apartment in Meredith. We'll just do what we need to to this place and then get out.

I was sitting here wondering how one little issue could cloud my thoughts so constantly and kind of leak into everything I do, effecting the way I thought things out and acted in certain occasions. Of course then I realized how little a thing this thing isn't. Moving is not a small issue, especially when it could possibly send someone into a nervous breakdown. That's not exactly something I want on my shoulders right now. But let me start from the beginning instead of just jumping right into the middle of everything.

After Heather said no, I honestly sat on the couch, appearing to watch Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit with her, but going through everything in my head, trying to figure out how I can do this apartment thing on my own. I actually had things semi worked out, too, and I was excited about the prospect of it. In the back of my brain I kept wondering what Heather would do and that small voice got louder as the night went on. SO then I was like...crap. She said no, pretty much flat out, and wasn't even going to entertain the idea of it. I truly believe that Lacy mentioning this apartment was a God thing. Honestly. Where the heck else would it come from? Why else would Lacy randomly think of me when she heard about it? So all day Monday I was trying not to let my brain continue down that path of, "Well if I did this, then this could happen..." and all that. Not really all that easy with my brain. It's like an entity of its own, I swear.

So I went in early to Dance so I could talk to Mark, and left feeling better about the situation. I was going to tell her exactly how I had been feeling about it, and that I really felt like this was a great step forward. Except I knew she was still upset and that, what I was going to tell her was not going to help any. So most of class was really just...awkward. Now, I'll be the first to admit that I am not the most graceful person in the room. Doesn't matter who else is in the room, I will never be at the top of that list. But this was like my first dance class ever. I forgot moves that have been drilled into my head for months, my posture was bad, my lines were terrible...it was just a train wreck. Until, and here's the cool thing, we were lined up for one of the last times to go through what we've learned so far of the new dance. I was standing there, waiting for our sides turn to go, and heard God speak to me through a mental reminder of something Ian says every now and then. "Don't think about what you're doing, just worship it." I literally felt the tension go out of me then, and just danced. And it felt so good, I cannot even tell you. After class I gave Heather a bug hug and apologized for the night before, for ending her weekend by putting her in a crappy space. She said she was just stressed about so much, friends moving all the wya to Texas for one...and then she pulled away from me and was like, "And I can't live by myself right now. I will fall apart."

... Okay, so that plan went flying out the window. I called Mark after she went to bed that night and got another small pep talk, going to bed with the resolve to lay it all on the table for her tomorrow night. We were going to go out to dinner and talk.

Yesterday she came home from work and there was a tangible tension exuding from her as soon as she walked in the door. She was home maybe five minutes before she sat on the arm of the couch, looked at me, and said, "Are you moving out?" She was looking at me like I'd run over her dog...and cat...and favorite stuffed rabbit. It was as if she had aged ten years in a day, and my mouth said "no" before I could even think about it. And it was amazing! Most of the tension around her went away. She was very tired and that stresses her out, but I knew a huge portion of it had come from me and was now gone. I wanted to slap myself for not being forthright with what had been going on in my head since Sunday afternoon.

The 99 was our chosen destination for dinner (why we went there, I can't tell you. I'm not a fan of the place and neither is Heather. I think it was just for a change,) and we took in a notebook so that things could be written down as we discussed them. She was under no pretense that moving was not going to be discussed at all, hence the notebook. She listed the things we needed to do to this apartment before we could move anywhere, and they are things I agree that need to be done. Good start to the conversation. So then talk turned to location. She said she knew I really wanted to be in Meredith but couldn't see herself there. She has to get up early as it is to be at work in Canterbury for two days and couldn't imagine having to get up a half hour earlier. Church wasn't too big an issue, it was those two days that were killing it for her. I was nodding, not really saying much because I did understand. She was talking to someone who is the farthest thing from a morning person. Believe me, I understand. But I wasn't saying hardly anything.

Eventually she asked me what I was thinking. And honestly, for a minute I couldn't speak because I would have started crying. What I wanted to say was, "I want this apartment more than anything I have wanted for a very very long time." However, I think I just stuttered for a few seconds. In the end I think I said something like, "I'm just having a really hard time letting this go." And that was all I could say because I was just so close to tears at that point. She said she understood how perfect it was for me, but brought up the commute, the jump in rent, other things again that she was having a hard time even thinking about. I told her I understood where she was coming from because I didn't want her to think I was discounting everything she was saying. But... She asked me what I was doing today and I told her about my plans with Dona Lynn. At one point I said I'm starting to feel like I live at CBC, how's it going to be when my bible study gets started and One Voice starts back up again in a couple of weeks? She asked me how I felt about that and I said, "Honestly? I love it. It's the commute and the constantly having to gas up my truck that makes it so hard."

I thought about it, and with the amount I spend on gas just to go to Meredith and back three times a week (which it will be more soon) I would save almost $30 a week. That's $120 a month. Granted, each Wednesday or some night I would be driving to Boscawen to see my parents but other than that, for the most part I would be walking everywhere! What would go up in rent, I would be saving in gas! But that thought totally didn't even occur to me until this morning. But there are better employment opportunities for me there, I'm closer to so many more people. So then I asked her where the panic came from the night before, and she said she just felt like that was what I was going to say to her, that I was moving out. And she said she couldn't handle it right now. Maybe after Blue and Mojo are gone, but not right now.

So here I am, wanting to be on my own in this apartment in Meredith, and there's Heather, not wanting to be on her own and not wanting to be in Meredith. I believe this is called an impasse. I told her honestly that after she shut me down Sunday night and practically gave me an ultimatum, I was thinking through how I could do it on my own. She said she knew I was and that was what was scaring her. But then she started to change her tone. Telling me to look more into it and just...giving up. And for some reason that really irritated me. I wanted her to just be like, "Maybe I'll see if Mom and I can get a place together or something," or throw out some other sort of suggestion. I didn't want her to bend to my being pulled just because she didn't want to live alone. Or away from me, I guess is more the point. It really bothered me. Mostly, I think, because I'm feeling like it's time to go it on my own. Not to go my own way because hanging out and being us after dinner is something I can't lose. Not now, not ever. But I'm ready to be an adult on my own. At least until someone wises up and realizes he wants to marry me.

*sighs* But that's the status report so far. I'm honestly praying that God either changes my heart about this apartment, or living with Heather...or that something comes along for her. Some sort of opportunity that she feels like she can't pass up and it empowers her enough to want to try another alternative to us living together. I would prefer the latter for so many reasons, but I'll go with God on this one. So far, I'm still clinging to that apartment and my independence. After I get done with Donal Lynn today, I'm going to call the woman who owns the building and talk to her. I'd like to know what rent is, what the apartment looks like and to see if there is a time to go look at it. And in the meantime, I'm just going to keep praying about it. That's all I think I can do for now.

Well some interesting things have come to my attention in the past...oh...36 hours I'd say. One being that Bob is leaving my game. This makes me very sad but - I understand his reasons and know there are not bad feelings between the two of us. I know he knows I will love him until forever because basically, he's my online big brother. So now I'm like...O_O there.

Secondly, a friend of mine is in the hospital. She may have had a stroke and she's only two years older than I am. They've done a bunch of tests on her but can;t find what's wrong, and she says she feels fine but she can't speak right. She had all the classic signs of a stroke, ones I know well enough by seeing my own mother go through it slowly. But I guess more tests are needed to be certain. The freaky thing is, in the middle of the second service I started getting really bad chest pains. They keep coming and going, and it's par for the course when you have a pulmonary aneurysm, but still. It's creepy.

Lastly...well this one just blows me away. I've said on here a few times how much I want to move and how much I hate this place but very few people in my everyday life now as much. Lacy, someone I knew at first from One Voice but also goes to CBC and is a friend, tugged on my hair as I was leaving church this morning. We talked for a bit and somehow the conversation turned. The transition is still a mystery to me but, whatever. She said that an apartment in her building has opened up and I should look into it because the owners of the building also go to church with us.

O_O

Her building is nice and the apartment she and her husband have is gorgeous. The best thing is, she pays only a bit over what we pay here already. AND it's two seconds away from CBC. AND we would have Christian landlords. Heather probably won't like it because of the location and quite frankly, if I could afford to rent it myself I sure as heck would...but come on! If this random conversation isn't a God thing, show me what is! She only goes to Concord twice a week, whereas right now, I go twice a week to Meredith, soon to be three, and then soon to be four, possibly five. Is it really so much to ask for this compromise? And she doesn't even drive the gas pig!

Wow, okay I need to chill a little. I haven't even had the chance to talk to her about this yet. She's been gone all weekend so I'll wait till she's home and settled before I talk to her. And after she knows about Tammy being in the hospital and all of course.

Meep! I have no tags to reply to and I need somewhere to put this excess energy until I can flesh it out with Heather. Pray, please! Pray that it becomes clear whether or not this is something to pursue or if it's one of those pretty, shiny objects we're supposed to wave to while it floats on by and we wait for something better.

So after our first semi-argument for a very long time, Heather and I have come to some decisions. She helped me figure out the whole working situation, which was big on my mind since I needed to either make a commitment to Blue or not. I'm just going to watch Connor until I can't anymore, and then start to worry about other employment come the end of September. Then I'll start looking again and pray something become available. Heather is concerned about my working full-time more because it would make me no longer qualified for disability... but in all honesty, I would rather be working in a place that I am able to work, than take any old part-time job and still be on disability. What I really need is someone to teach me Quickbooks and Excel, and all those officy computer applications. That would help me in leaps and bounds. Right now I'm familiar with Word and AbiWord 2.14, programs no office uses.

Moving, well that was really the source of our argument. I understand that it comes more out of a place of fear for her, but for me it's just the need and the want to be out of this place. For the past year I haven't wanted to be here and have found pretty much any excuse I can to not be here. She's here on a minimal basis so it's different for her. Anyway...we decided to ask her mom if she'd be willing to go in on a house with us but she's really not certain what she wants to do, if and when she moves. So we're back to square one: pricing carpets and then looking for a place. Which means nothing is going to get done. We've said this before and it's really just words. I don't know. I think if anything is going to get done I need to be the one to do it. I think I'll make some calls today. Honestly, the sooner we can be out of here the better.

Then there's where to move to. She'd like to be closer to Concord since it;s where her church is, I'd like to be closer to Meredith since I'm there at least three times a week on average. Moving closer to Concord with my gas pig...I'm starting ti talk myself into negative thinking again and that's not the way to go.

So for now we concentrate on new carpets - area rugs - whatever they're called. In the meantime I will watch Connor and scrimp and save every penny I can. I'll try and find someone to teach me those programs, and I'll keep plugging away at getting my book done and my bible study ready to go. So far I have three definites and one maybe. Two others have crossed my mind to join as well. One was really rather disappointed I hadn't offered the opportunity to get in on it in the first place and the other...well I guess we'll see.

Right, well I've got four tags to reply to, two emails, and an application for the game to approve. FTW! Plus I'm going to the parents' for dinner which is almost always pleasant. Especially when it comes to costuming. Mom and I have to get my Highland Dancer outfit together before the CBC celebration in two weeks. Can we say excited? Why yes, I think we can. It sounds a little something like this...

EXCITED!