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19 August 2012 @ 01:40 pm
My mother surprised me with an ebay package today. I get all her packages here because her landlords are...not cool...so I was delivering her mail today. She picked up one of the smaller packages, opened it, and said, "Oh, this one's not for me!" I looked at it, saw it had her name on it, was thoroughly confused but took it anyway. Inside was....a Star Swirl!!!!

boomdiada has always said she was the prettiest pony and I've always said it was a tie between Blossomforth and Flitter Heart. Now that I have a Star Swirl here, looking at me as I type this.....I concede. She is gorgeous! I can't even!

Now all I need are Skywishes (which I have a suspicion she also got for me because she kept asking me which one Star Swirl was and she's never ever cared before.) Star Dreams, and Sweetie Swirl. Now that I have a Sweet Song Glimmer Wings I almost want a Ploomette, but I've seen the tinsel-haired Ploomette people are guessing is coming out with the Crystal Empire line so I'm going to wait.

But I am so happy about this addition to my collection. She is now, hands down, the prettiest pony on the shelf.
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
17 August 2012 @ 11:29 am
Feeling kind of frustrated today. No, frustrated isn't the word. Torn, maybe. Heather and I talked about going to Six Flags this weekend so we could finally get the season passes our best friends bought for us and not let their money go to waste. Since we decided to do that I hadn't really thought about the decision; I want to go, so we're going. Except now I'm like...should I really?

I told Heater last night that I probably shouldn't go and she, understandably, got frustrated and said she'll just have to go with Jess then. Which, without saying as much out loud, implied I would have to tag along so I could watch one or both of the kids while they went on the fun rides. And honestly, that really bothered me. I feel like I'm being super selfish by saying I don't want to go and be the babysitter while you guys ride the rides I'm not supposed to ride anymore because I know there's other stuff we can do there all together. But that just paints a really, really sucky day for me. I'm sorry, it does. And I get Heather's point of view, honestly I do. It sucks all around. She suggested we go and not ride the roller coasters but every time we have ever gone to Six Flags, first time excluded, that is the only reason we've gone. Expressly to ride the big rides. So kind of what's the point? Then she mentioned the three of us and the kids could go and none of us ride the big rides which, okay, but...I don't know. That's really not fair either.

So I did a little research last night and read a bunch of articles, comments on forums, a lot of stuff about people with PVC and thrill rides. The general consensus was that it's not a big deal. PVC isn't even technically a heart condition - so said my doctor and that still...how is it not? The heart is beating irregularly! Does that mean it's a foot condition? I don't...what? - and I've had this pulmonary aneurysm for I don't know how many years and I've gone on coasters as often as I can. So I figured, screw it, let's go. That new ride is calling me! Then I research people with high blood pressure and thrill rides and basically read everywhere, "Don't do it. You'll die."

I understand the science behind it all, I do. I learned more about heart rates, blood pressure, adrenaline and such from my research last night than I have in all my years of heart problems. There were several people who said their doctors told them as long as they're on medication and the BP is under control then they should be fine. Just don't get off a ride and hop back on. Okay, I can do that. Especially since our rides are all across the park so I'd have some walking to do between rides anyway. :D

I know the common sense idea would be to just call my doctor and ask her but this is the same doctor who took over a week to call my pharmacy back about a medication she wanted me to start taking the day she gave me the script. My chances of hearing back from her are pretty darn slim. At this moment I feel like we should go, Heather and I, and just kind of take it slow to feel things out. We can start on Batman because, out of all the coasters I love, that's probably the tamest. Then if I end up feeling off or whatever I'll still have been able to go on one of my favorite rides. Yep. That is my decision.

Now I'm going to turn off internet on Eugene and get to work on Harbinger. I have two, maybe three chapters left and I really want to complete one today. I always get like this toward the end of a project. It's almost done so let's be done with it. I just have to be careful not to rush anything.
Current Mood: okayokay
16 August 2012 @ 12:09 pm
These are the things I think when I can't sleep or when I'm laying in bed because I have woken up way too early to move.

I think we've reached this kind of plateau in society with intolerance. Everyone is angry about something because everyone is showing intolerance about something. We've become so intolerant that we're intolerant about other people's intolerance. And I find it quite ridiculous, to be frank.

I want a t-shirt or a bumper sticker (and a car to put said sticker on) that says "Friends are like potatoes; if you eat them they die." because I will never stop laughing like a crazy person at that.

Telling someone not to be sad because someone else could have it way worse it a terrible thing to say. That's like telling a happy person not to be happy because someone could have it way better than them.

I miss Sarah like...I can't even explain. I think of her every so often and just get sad. We were really good friends for quite a few years. At least I think we were good friends. But then she just vanished. No replies to tweets, emails, texts...nothing. It makes me wonder what I did.

My brain cannot handle all of these plot bunnies. I think one day words will start spilling out of my ears and stain whatever it is I'm wearing with random phrases and made up names.

Is there ever a moment in life when a "Mean Girls" quote is inappropriate?

I wonder if I'm brave enough to go to a Con next year. By myself. In costume.

Why does this medication make me feel like getting sick and give me headaches? Why can I not have a normal body that has normal issues that, when medication is needed, reacts like a normal body?

Why am I so painfully shy?

I think it's time to change the design of my room.
Current Mood: hothot
Current Music: You Can't Always Get What You Want :: Glee
06 August 2012 @ 12:38 pm
I can't think of how to start this entry off so I'm going to start it by saying I don't know how to start it. Because I can.

This morning I had my appointment in Manchester with Dr. Kim. He explained to me what my heart was doing as far as the extra beats go. He also told me everyone has extra beats throughout the day, they are just less severe and less frequent. I had over 1000 extra beats which isn't normal. But it's nothing to freak out about and nothing that will kill me so that's good. My blood pressure is still too high for the bottom number, though. So he gave me three options for going on from here.

1. Do nothing. It's not going to kill me it's just more of an annoyance. One I cannot live with personally because of my reasons. I just....blech. I can't just live with it.

2. Medication. There are actually two different kinds of medication that work together for people with high blood pressure and PVCs - only drawback mentioned (I'm sure there are other side effects) is fatigue which I'm already struggling with. A lot.

3. Surgery. He could go in there, find this cluster of cells that is causing the extra electric impulse of my heart to beat a second time and fry it. It only has an 80% success rate for a fee reasons. A) The palpitations need to be consistent and prevalent during the surgery. If he can't see the cells working, he can't see them to fry them. B) Sometimes these cells are on the outer wall of the heart and he can't get to them. C) Sometimes it just doesn't work.

So I decided to go with the medication for now and see if it does anything and how much of a slug it makes me. The medication itself may or may not work so pretty much anything is a gamble. This is just a less intrusive gamble. Well, I suppose that depends on how you look at it.

And that is where things stand. I'll just have to see how this plays out I guess.
Current Mood: curiouscurious
02 August 2012 @ 10:05 am
I think last night was the best night of sleep I have had in a little over three weeks. I was in bed by 9ish and actually falling asleep by 10:30. That is the earliest I've been able to fall asleep in ever and I didn't wake up until 9 this morning. There was a brief odd period during the middle of the night where I woke up because I swear I heard someone knock three times and then I couldn't get back to sleep for awhile, but even with that factored in that was the most sleep I have gotten in a long time. I feel, dare I say it, almost energetic!

I think I might actually take a shower today! Yeah, it's been that bad.

On Monday I had a quick kind of check-in with Dr. P and found the top number of my blood pressure was still too high, though not AS high, but the bottom number was almost double what normal should be so, you know...not great. So she gave me a script for some sort of BP meds, I went to get it filled and found out I couldn't afford it. So they were going to call her and see if I could be put on the non-extended release that I'd have to take twice a day as opposed to once. That was Monday. Today is Thursday. I called both the pharmacy yesterday to see what was up and then her office to be like, "Okay, she wants me on this stuff, wants me pretty much on a paleo diet, but she's not getting back to my pharmacist so I can start these meds?" So they said they'd leave her another message and I asked them to ask her about sleep aids as well. If she doesn't call me back today I...don't know what. I'll be mad. That's about all the power I have to do in this situation I guess.

Monday is the appointment at Catholic Medical. My mother is going now. I think it's time I had a talk with her so that might make life uncomfortable at their house tonight, but if she's demanding on going I want my mother going and not a preacher or some crazy fanatical woman who will come against everything the doctor says with scripture or insane talk like she did to the first cardiologist I saw years ago when all this breathing crap started. It was embarrassing, it was added stress for me, and I just wanted her to go away. So I'm praying for the right words to use tonight. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want her coming if she's just going to make the situation worse.

Today I am going to try and get some writing done. That is my one big goal. Here's hoping it gets done!
Current Mood: awakeawake
31 July 2012 @ 11:35 am
I need to take a minute and give voice to this inner rant I have been having for a few weeks now about some things I have been seeing mostly on Facebook. There have been posts about Welfare and people on Welfare that have really bothered me. Things such as suggesting random drug screening, "Welfare is a temporary aid, not a career choice," and other things that basically insinuate everyone in the program is pretty much a lazy, boozy, druggie bum. As a person receiving help from the state I have to say I am highly offended by these statements and these postings and I feel like it is a huge case of classism.

By taking positions like that you're basically saying you think everyone on the program must be simply riding the system. That's like looking at fast food workers and saying they must be a single parents, they must not have a college degree, they must not have any higher ambition in life. Not the best analogy, I know, but what I'm trying to say is the judgment going around - mostly by Christians it would appear - is severely unfair. I know and have known people (myself very much included) that are highly embarrassed by the fact that they can't support themselves. It's not like we're choosing to take advantage of this, laughing at all the tax payers and people who work 40+ hours a week. By looking at that portion of Welfare recipients who are lazy, who are taking advantage and lumping us all together you just make yourselves look classist and those of us who already feel bad about our positions just feel worse. And I don't even want to hear any, "Well I didn't mean you," because by generalizing like that you have included me whether you wanted to or not.

And while I'm on the subject of things really bothering me, why is is that "Derpy" has been so offensive to people but the whole ERMAHGERD thing is just funny? I've seen so many people up in arms over the name of a cartoon pony but not a single person having an issue with this internet meme. Also, freaking Pedo Bear? Seriously, people? What is wrong with you??? This meme makes me so angry that I literally shake. It breaks my heart that this has become an okay thing. It's not funny and it should not be acceptable. On any level, at all. I have so many words about this but they just...jumble because I am so bothered by it.

That's all. I'm going to be over here stewing for awhile.
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
30 July 2012 @ 09:35 am
I'm having one of those "I want to quit life" days. No, I think I'm having one of those "quit life" lives. I'm already...this is going to be a day where I finally break down, I think. I just cannot even deal with one more thing right now or I am going to completely lose my crap. Not that I don't trust God will come through or that I don't trust him with this whole thing overall, but I have never been a person who can completely give something over (when that something is everything in life right now) and just breathe out and be okay. I'm tired all the time, everything I eat makes me feel like crap, I have all these doctor appointments and no transportation of my own so I'm always having to either find a ride or ask to use a car which, honestly, I'm getting better at doing. But when these appointments come in the middle of the day when no one is around I'm kind of screwed. And I have a really hard time paying $12 for a cab ride that would take less than three minutes, then another $12 to get home. It's ridiculous.

And if you think I was anti-social before, it's nothing compared to right now. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone. You know how when you don't feel well you just want to be home? You're not going to feel better at home but you'll feel better at home. Because it's your base of operations. I don't even want to go out pony hunting and I know the new stuff is trickling into stores right now. That should say something.

Oh, and to add to the wonderful tale that is my health, my hands are now randomly drying out and peeling, my skin itches everywhere, and I have this weird patch of skin on my right eyelid that gets dry and super sore. Because, you know, I needed more on my plate.



Okay, now that I have gotten that out of my system, talked with Beth and Heather a bit, I am going to try and chill myself out. Bigger picture, bigger picture. You know what I think is not helping? The fact that I have not been able to really write for almost a month or so now. That's how I got all the crap out and I've been... well, I've been constipated in the literary sense. Wonder if they sell a cure for that at WalMart. Not that I'd be able to get there or anything! XD

Okay. I'm done. I need to go have my quiet time and just recenter.
Current Mood: stressedstressed
28 July 2012 @ 10:28 pm
I have so many bait ponies ready to be rerooted, it's stupid. Okay, not so many. Four. But four is a lot! And my Spitfire? Holy crap, I have not done a better paintjob on anything ever before if I do say so myself. I am so freaking proud of her. Thankfully I have hairs for her so I have something to do while I wait for my Dolly Hair delivery.

It's been a day of off and on watching the Olympics, snoozing, painting. All this swimming coverage makes me want to go swimming. This hot computer on my lap doesn't help much with that, either.

I need to go to bed but that involves getting up and that involves energy. And I'm fascinated by the swimmers. Maybe I'll just sleep in my chair like the old lady that I am.
Current Mood: sleepysleepy
27 July 2012 @ 02:59 pm
Feeling really blergy today. Every day. I'm sluggish, tired, drained of energy. Not fun. I don't want to do anything, not even work on customs which should tell you something. I just kind of want to sit and zone out. I've been drawing more lately so that's good I guess. Ponies are starting to come easier so hopefully I'll be able to graduate to other things at some point. Simple stuff first, harder stuff later.

I have the entire weekend to myself...well today and tomorrow and that counts as a weekend. My mother practically begged me to come down and watch the opening ceremonies with them tonight so I think I'll do that. Despite her preaching, fanatical outbursts of crazy-person praying and otherwise outward indifference to what's going on, I know she's worried about me and I think my going down tonight will be good for both of us. I just wish it wasn't a twenty-minute drive. That just sounds exhausting to me right now. But I'll go...probably bring my sketch book or Eugene to have something to do during slow or boring times. She wants me to spend the night but that is not a thing that will happen.

I miss people I don't talk to anymore. And there are more than a few. I just suck as a friend. I realize I push people away as soon as either they get too close or something feels off. I figure it's easier for me to leave them than they leave me. I do it a lot and I seem to do it often.

Think it's time for a nap.
Current Mood: lethargiclethargic
Current Music: Whatever You're Doing :: Sanctus Reel
24 July 2012 @ 11:04 am
Well that was a lot quicker than I expected. Just yesterday morning I turned in the holter monitor, and by 5:30 yesterday evening my cardiologist was calling me with the results. Apparently I have something called Vascular Tachycardia which is fancy talk for saying I have too many extra beats. Of course as soon as I got off the phone with her I Googled it and immediately wished I hadn't. I think I read one or two lines of the Wiki article on it and decided I was better off not knowing for now.

As soon as she got off the phone with me she called a cardiac surgeon down at the Catholic Medical Center in Manchester (thank goodness it's not Boston this time!) to set something up for me. I got a call bright and early this morning saying they want me there on the 6th at 8:30 in the morning to meet with Dr. Kim and have a chat. Which, you know, is easily accomplished since I have my own vehicle and everything. v_v I'm just going to ask Heather if it is a possibility for her to take that morning off so she can drive me and I'll have someone else there to listen. Because my brain tends to shut down when it can't handle any more and I'm often left with a lot of, "I don't know" when answering questions from friends and family later because I literally turn the doctor out.

Upon finding out this rather frightening information about me my two very best friends in the entire world proceeded to give into depression....because I would no longer be allowed to go on roller coasters. *giggles* And that reason right there is exactly why I love them as much as I do.

I was just complaining to a friend how I hate feeling like an old lady in that, by two in the afternoon, I am so worn out and ready for a nap. But with the extra beats I guess it makes sense that I'm done by that point. My heart has worked hard enough for an entire day by then. I'm also a lot more dizzy in the afternoon/evening and cranky. So I'm sure I'm just a treat to live with right now.

On the plus side, I think somehow this is helping me lose weight because I am comfortably wearing capris that I could not fit into at all just two weeks ago. See? There is ALWAYS a silver lining!

Anyway, I wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone for the outpouring of concern, support, encouragement, and prayers. Every email, every dA note, comment, FimFiction message... you have all moved me beyond words and oftentimes brought tears to my eyes with your words. Each day I am amazed anew by the true friends I have made through this silly pony fandom and cherish you all. Someday I will find a way to hug each and every one of you, and show my true appreciation for you.

For now, that is all. I'll keep updating as I get updated myself.
Current Mood: hothot
Current Music: Wuthering Heights :: Hayley Westenra