So I decided, since my usual monthly income has been restored for the most part, I am going to take all the money I get from commissions and stuff I put on eBay and put it into a savings account to try and save up for a car. I realize it is going to take me a long time but at this point it'll happen before I ever see a penny from John. So far I have about $120 from pony commissions alone so it is definitely a start! I was thinking of saying something about it on my dA account and trying to get the word out that way but I'm still kind of on the fence about it. I kind of feel like I'd be pimping myself out but I dunno.

There is a really big part of me that wants to see if I can save up enough to get another Aztek because I loved that thing so much. But at the same time Pontiac is no more and parts will eventually get harder and harder to find and more expensive. So I'm not sure about that. I think smaller compact cars are fine but I feel more secure being in a bigger vehicle where I'm up higher. Being under five feet tall probably has a lot to do with that.

In other news I decided to try on the dress I bought for the 40's era Christmas One Voice production just to see where I am now in comparison to then. To find it fit perfectly still made me so very happy. And I'm totally wearing it today. It's a cute almost-summer dress. Only reason it's not a summer dress is because it's a little on the heavy side. But it's a tank-top like top and the skirt has pockets so it's cute. And I feel cute. Which is super rare for me.

Okay, time for lunch then I need to get back to work. Hopefully food and ibuprofen will make my hands hurt less. :$

I tend to be the type of person who learns by engaging and doing, not by reading or passively listening and because of this I am always deeply affected by my surroundings and the multitude of different stimuli I am subjected to and allow myself to be subjected to.

Many things that are on television and in movies these days are not healthy. We take them all in and whether we want them to or not they feed our souls and our minds. I let myself be fed by things that I shouldn’t be and it definitely comes out in my words, the way I treat others, and sometimes the way I treat myself. Sex, something that should be sacred and beautiful, has become something as casual as sharing pictures on Facebook. Foul language comes easier than uplifting words of encouragement. Violence has become as acceptable as a friendly embrace. And the more we subject ourselves to them the more desensitized we become.

Case in point: I’ve always been very sensitive when it comes to sex for reasons which I’m not comfortable enough to share at the moment. Then True Blood came out and I was so looking forward to getting into the show because I thought the plot was so appealing. Anyone who’s seen it knows from episode one there is sex and there’s a lot of it. As uncomfortable as I was, as much as I felt that nudge telling me what I was watching was not okay, I pressed on because “the plot is amazing!” or whatever I thought to justify it. And it became less and less of a big deal to me. It took a spiritual parent to sit me down and point out some things he’d seen change in me for me to realize I was feeding myself the wrong food.

And food is really the perfect comparison because all the bad stuff, the stuff we don’t need, the stuff that’s not nourishing and beneficial to our bodies, just tastes so good! And we don’t see the effects of what we are consuming until the damage has been done.

I watched a move called “The Encounter” a several weeks ago and I remember thinking when it was over, “I wish I could feel this good, this close to God all the time.” and it was like a big slap to the back of my head. No one is stopping me from being that close to my heavenly Father but me. It’s what I surround myself with that becomes the barrier and it’s my own fault that I feel the disconnect. It’s not God who has pulled away, but me.

So I’m working on identifying those walls and tearing them down. There are things in my life that I need to get rid of if I want a true and healthy relationship with Christ. And it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to hurt like crazy. But I learned a long time ago that it’s easier in the end to listen to God when He’s pointing something out to you than to ignore Him.

Maybe I'm becoming too conservative in my old age but I desperately long for the days when a sign outside a Cumberland Farms was, "Coffee! Only $.99!" instead of seeing one advertising iced coffee and proclaiming it "&*%$@ Delicious!" Why is that okay? Why is it called "good entertainment" when we watch shows and movies where people lie, cheat, sleep around, and hurt others just to get ahead? Do we not realize that the more of this we take in the more we accept it as being the norm? This is not what God intended for us.

I don't exactly know how, when or why but this has become a real hot-button issue for me. Not gonna lie, I was thrilled to hear GCB was cancelled. Now if only Revenge and The Liar's Club (is that even still on?) would fall through as well.

I guess I just wanted to post this as a reminder and a challenge to really look at what you're letting yourself be fed by. What has media swayed you into believing acceptable? How far has it led you astray? I know it's done a number on me over the years and I am finally getting back to a place where I am starting to listen. I know everyone is different and everyone has different levels of tolerance. The most important thing is to listen when you get that nudge, something telling you that there's something better out there for your soul. Don't fall into the trap of what the world tells you that you need. Because once you're down it's awfully hard to climb back out.

I find that I have no real appropriate icon for this entry. Joy doesn't quite cover it, celebrating isn't quite right, jumping up and down screaming doesn't quite fit. So, really taking my current mental and emotional status into consideration I find all I can really describe myself as is being in awe, pure and simple. Thus the reason why I settled for ickle Fluttershy staring up in awe. Because that is what I have been doing for almost the past three hours.

I've gotten to the point in the past few weeks where my constant prayer has been, "Help me. I don't know what to do." I got tired of praying it so I can only imagine how God felt about hearing it over and over. Eventually it finally got through my thick skull that instead of talking, offering the same words and pleading over and over that maybe I need to just shut up and listen. And when I did I was told to trust. I was reminded He has always taken care of me and that would not stop now. I was in His protection and His care, and I needed to rest in that. Not really the answer I was looking for. I may have even gotten frustrated. A lot. Good thing God's a big god and can handle it.

Despite my frustration I did what I had been told to, or really made an effort at it. I tried to chill out and trust. And I think I actually managed to do that some. I know I haven't been as tense or emotional as I have been since, oh, February. Well it's the beginning of May and we have been worried about rent, not to even think about the coming months. Plus there's medical stuff that needs to happen with no way of paying for it in sight.

Heather was able to come home for a little while today in between things and so nicely brought me an iced coffee. Hello instant cheer! So she hands it to me and says, "Maybe it'll soften the blow of whatever this has to say," and hands me what I got in the mail today. It's a letter from the state. So I set my coffee aside, sigh a little, and open it expecting it to be a letter saying, "Oh hey, we did screw up and your money from last month is on its way!" But I was wrong. The letter said my case had been reviewed and they have decided I am still eligible to receive benefits!

You have to understand, my case was not even scheduled to be reviewed until August. A government program doing something before they're scheduled to, months before they're scheduled to is nothing short of a miracle. Literally. And when Heather was on the phone I went to my room, closed the door, got on my knees and cried while I prayed and gave thanks, and repented of my doubt and faithlessness.

I'm still just in shock. I was ready to go apply to Tyler Street Market - which only means something for those who know about it - and just go until I couldn't anymore. But I'm in His hands as always, and provided for without putting my health on the line any more than I have to.

And I needed to share that because it's amazing, and just more proof that God is faithful even when we are not.

Son of a.... RAWR!!!!!!!

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

I think I have repeated this verse to myself today at least twenty times today. I'm likely to do it at least twenty more. Why is it that we find it so much easier to focus on all the bad stuff going on that we fail to see the good? As humans we seems able to take a criticism to heart much easier than we can take a compliment. I know that's always been the way my mind works but I've come to know others who react the same way.

I'm still really discouraged by the fact that Peek-a-Boo is still secluding herself. I'm worried and I'm scared that she's in pain and we just don't know it. And that is what I focus on. What I keep failing to accept is that she's not as anti-company as she was to start. She's moved out from under my bed and has been found in Heather's room and, right now, is sitting on the back of the couch in the guest room, sleeping by an open window. That's progress and I should be so thankful for that!

Today I couldn't even get through ten minutes of exercising because it's hard to breathe. Not only am I gaining weight because I lead a fairly sedentary life, but my medication makes me gain weight as well. When jeans that have been comfortable on me suddenly start feeling too tight, it's time to do something about it. And not being able to exercise today is discouraging. However! I exercised three days in a row for a little over a half an hour each time. That's a heck of a lot more than I've done in months and I should be proud of that. Also, just because I couldn't exercise today doesn't mean I won't feel up to it tomorrow.

The Kina Grannis concert is tomorrow and we're not going. We can't afford to drive down to Boston, or take a bus because neither of us wants to drive in that crazy city. And I'm really bummed about that. But if I'm feeling tomorrow like I am today I'm not going to want to do anything anyway.

The end of the month is swiftly approaching and I still haven't gotten my money. Likely won't see it until the 6th of May at the very earliest. So that's a huge concern. And it's been a daily thing that I have to give it over to God so I don't just sit here and worry about it. Because if I let myself, it would paralyze me. I need to trust that he's going to take care of me, of us, because he always has. Always. The problem is that our timing doesn't always match up. What I want done today he may be saving for tomorrow. And that's really scary.

And I keep going around and around in my head, is it not trusting him enough if I really look for a job? Or am I being foolish and just hoping he answers my prayers the way I want him to and not really look for a job? Like, I don't know how to answer that. I literally go back and forth with it because I have no answers. I keep trying to just sit and listen, but my over-active brain won't shut up and stop stressing for one second that I get frustrated and give up.

I don't know how to end this entry. Aim is still not happening for me because I get kicked off the second I sign on. Grr. Also frustrating.

In other news, a Queen Chrysalis is a thing that is happening. I have plans for things and if they turn out well she will be an eBay item. Maybe. We'll see. Just wanted to let ya'll know I live. Just...well...you know. >_< Be back around as soon as I can.

O_O I sat down to type out an entry with iTunes playing and Jingle Bells started playing. Excuse me a moment, would you?

Anyway! So I caved and am now doing National Day of Prayer with One Voice. It's like a drug, you know? My problem is that I went to see the Easter program and remembered how much I love it and all the people in it. I know it's not good for me in so many ways, this has been proven to me over and over again when I can't breathe or, like at Christmas, I end up sitting out because I have chest pains. But I can't not do it. I'll just have to take it a season at a time, I guess. NDoP is just a small concert and this year it's only an hour so it shouldn't be a big deal. Unless we keep having hot days like yesterday was. Dude, almost 90 degrees? In April? What the heck?!

I'm trying to take today easy because it's really hard to breathe and that's allowed me sit down and work on Harbinger. This is the most in depth fanfic I have ever written and the longest one to date. But it's coming so easy for some reason. It's also making me love Big Macintosh all the more.

Still waiting for my money to come in. That whole situation... I can't even... no one knows what the other person is doing or has said. I have to call again sometime this week and I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to end up having to go in AGAIN to talk to someone. And with the nearest office a half hour away and gas prices as high as they are? It just sucks. I'm trying really hard not to freak out but after having to go to the vets last week and having to pay so much it's hard not to freak out from time to time.

Peek-a-Boo is still sick, though she's showing small signs of improvement. She just hides all the time under my bed, doesn't come out for food or water. We've been feeding her special canned food for cats with kidney disease so she's not starving but still. Last night, though, she actually jumped up on my bed and slept with me for awhile. Which is kind of a huge deal because she never sleeps with me and it's the first time in a week that she's come out from under my bed of her own free will. I'm praying it keeps going up from there.

Not much else is going on at the moment. Just taking it one day at a time. Keep on running in the wheel, as it were. On the plus side, today is Tuesday.

I have no idea what I mean by that.

So yesterday I was here for a bit, got my painting done and was able to post it before I had to be dropped off at my parents'. I've switched to Wednesday to save gas since Heather already goes into Concord for group that night anyway. So I pretty much got nothing done at home and didn't get any writing done. I've been on such a writing schedule this past month - not really a schedule I guess, I just write every day - so I brought my laptop with me to work at the parents'. Except my brother is there and it's a very very small apartment. So I'm trying to write this Junebug update (which, surprise! has death in it >_<) and he's got Family Guy playing super loud.

Now I know he knows it's annoying to me because just a few weeks ago I was telling Mom about this amazing movie I watched and Steven interjects with, "Saw it. It sucked". My reply was, "Well, you love Family Guy so your credentials really aren't that great." So he knows. And he'd been watching Drew Carry before, which is fine, but putting on Family Guy so bothered me. But whatever, I managed to get myself in the groove and successfully tuned him out. Then the parents came home.

My mother. I swear the only times she talked was when I started typing. I would sit there, watching tv with her for a good ten minutes and she would have NOTHING to say. But as soon as my fingers touched the keyboard she'd start talking! I finally just gave up and I swear she did not stop talking for the rest of the night. *eyetwitch*

Then today I got up late (this medication makes me sleep like it's gong out of style) and find that Peek-a-boo is still acting really weird. For three or four days now she has been very don't touch me, don't look at me, just leave me alone, curling up and hiding under my bed. I doubt she's eaten anything or even had any water. And I'm worried because, though she's Heather's cat, I still love her. So we managed to get her an appointment for this afternoon but after one I won't be around.

*sighs* I know I said I'd try and be around more but that does not seem to be in the cards this week. >:-C Plus my money STILL hasn't come in so I'm going to spend my morning on the phone. Again. Frustrating!!!!!!

Also, I hate the month of April. I will forever hate this month. I miss my boy.

So that whole storming town offices and taking names thing didn't actually happen yesterday due to words being wrong. Not the person or persons using the words, the words themselves. It is their fault. They should know what we really mean to say and automatically correct themselves. Tell me I'm wrong.

Today was the day of conquest. The battle was swift and the victory most enjoyable. The whole letter thing was messed up with offices with more miscommunication and letters passing in the night like strangers. The lady was so nice and helpful and told me I was right, I was supposed to get money this month and it is on its way. So yay! One more month to figure out what to do. Phew!

Plus I got to spend the morning with Bethany, which was really nice. I'm always reminded of how thankful I am to be here in this apartment with the best neighbors ever. Now to jump in the shower so I don't look like a total slob tonight, and take some ibupr... advil for this headaches.

Remember this entry for last time I went to court? Yeah, it was pretty much a repeat performance. Except John was threatened with being in "serious trouble" if he misrepresented himself again because he didn't fill out his financial statement correctly.

I don't even know you guys. About anything anymore. I'm so stressed out and just feeling like I am going to explode at any minute. Why is everything falling apart right now? Not that I went in expecting a whole lot today but I wanted something to happen. And walking to and from has just killed me. I could have waited and called to see if Laura could come get me when she got out but I was so angry that I needed to walk.

So I guess now I spend my afternoon trying to figure out how to go about the next suggested step. Not even suggested verbally, but I knew what the judge was getting at with his wording.

But first a good cry. I need it.

Dear anyone who works for the government and is in charge of writing out documents that you send to people...or anyone in charge of sending out documents to people,

If you don't mean exactly what you say in the letter you send, REWORD IT SO IT MAKES SENSE.