I can't help but feel like I should be feeling more than what I am actually feeling. Maybe it's because what I'm feeling isn't really anything at all. Maybe this numbness that I've entered into is God helping me to deal with all of this. Except I'm not dealing because nothing is effecting me. My best friend is in pieces and all I can do is sit here and watch. Like..I should be a big mess but I'm not. I'm not anything.

I have always been the type of person who can feel and absorb people's energies. Call me empathetic, empathic, crazy....it's a true fact about me. When it comes to emotions of others I am a super absorbent sponge. This helps sometimes in knowing how to deal with any given person in the situation we may be in or facing together. The downside to this lovely - I don't know. Is it a gift? - is that I almost immediately adopt those emotions as my own. For the past, oh, I don't know, week or so I have been surrounded by people dealing with some seriously intense emotions. But nothing is getting through to me. I don't understand it, and the only reason I am really complaining about it is because it makes me ineffective in the comforting area.

When Heather is breaking down, I don't know what to do. It's like I freeze and my brain shuts off. I don't even move to comfort her by touching her or anything. I know she wouldn't mind it, I am a person who likes being physically comforted when I am down myself, yet I can't seem to remember how to function anymore when it comes to this area. I literally have to wait for her to ask me for a hug before I give it. See anything wrong with that picture? I do that with everyone who is upset. I just...shut down and my brain goes into auto pilot and tried to pretend there is nothing wrong. It's irritating to me and insanely frustrating.

I'm feeling like...I don't even know. Two people in as many weeks have told me I am regressing and pulling back into myself. I know I am. I feel it. The thing is, I don't know how to stop it. I'll even admit that there's a part of me that doesn't want to. I have this slick and seductive voice in my head that tells me maybe if I do withdraw for awhile, I'll come out like a beautiful little butterfly. It's the same voice that tells me it's okay to be so emotional all the time. I'm a writer, it's practically expected of me. It helps me to be more in touch with my characters and to really feel them.

Lie. All lies. I know this, but at the same time it is so hard not to listen.

That stupid audition was the catalyst for me. It's just been downhill from there. Things that I've felt, said, done since then all make me feel like...like I shouldn't be leading anything in VBS, that's for certain. I feel like I'm being hypocritical somehow. I feel like...like probably if there was more than a few days left before it actually began that I should hand the responsibility over to someone else. I won't since it starts this Sunday but it's how I'm feeling. Or maybe it's just the inner coward in me looking for a way out.

Even writing all this, I don't feel any particular emotion toward anything. I'm going over to watch SYTYCD with Ian and Nessa tonight. You'd thing I'd be thrilled. But I don't feel anything. I just feel...tired.

It's funny to me to think I would need something like that. I remember my therapist asking me a few times during our working together what I did when I got angry. I told her I never got angry, and that was a true enough answer then. I got frustrated to the point before anger. And then I'd bury it, let it breed nothing good inside me, and get depressed and anxious. Since WoF...I get angry, and I recognize it. Sometimes, and this feels so weird to admit, I even embrace it. There's a certain amount of exhilaration I get from being angry. Like I feel like the entire world should move out of my way or face my wrath, and that feels good. Not a good thing, I know. But it is what it is.

Dude...I can't wait to get this thing paid up again. Having only six icons is killing me. That's like telling me I have only six pair of shoes to choose from. For the rest of my life! *dies*

Anyway...there's just so much going on that I have no control over right now. And I can't get into it without locking the entry to protect people and I don't feel like doing that. So I'm just going to rant. Vaguely.

I hate people who don't recognize when I am right. *giggles* Which I realize is a rather harsh and somewhat all encompassing statement, but it's true! I just feel like...Ugh, I don't even know! Like, I feel like sometimes...ARGH! I just get so mad that I can't form a coherent thought. And it's killing my writing life. This is day three in a row that I have tried to write and my brain absolutely will not focus long enough to even get into it. That whole writing for four hours a day thing is great in theory, but that's all it is right now. I'm tempted to just barricade myself in my room all day Saturday until I absolutely HAVE TO leave it to deal with the real, tangible characters in my life. With the exception of a precious few, I much prefer those faces in my book than the ones in my real life. Maybe God will arrange it so I am asked to other fireworks so I won't even have to really deal with what's lined up. Though I really do want to go see Far From Close.

*sighs*

I just don't even want to deal with life right now. I'm like at the point where I want to throw everyone's own garbage back at them and say, "You know what? You deal with it because I am out. Figure it out for yourself and go cry to someone else because what I have to offer is not going to be nice. It's not going to be pretty. You're not going to want to hear it." But we all know I won't do that because I, my dear friends, am a people pleaser. And when I fail to meet the expectations, hopes, and requirements of others I invariably let myself down more than the person I was killing myself to please.

I realize this has turned into a long and bitter diatribe, and for that I apologize. I know some people are reading this and shaking their heads. Some feel sorry for me, others will simply dismiss it as another rant filled angsty post.

*wibbles* My head hurts and I think I am just going to go to my room, crawl into bed, curl into a ball and cry. Maybe that's what I need right now is a good cry. Why not? Everyone else is doing it. Crying seems to be all the rage right now. It's only proper to follow suit if I want to fit in.

So last night went better than I thought. My vision of my Wednesday evening looked something like this:

I would go to VBS, leave around 6:30 so I could make it to my last small group meeting (for me, anyway), head home when it was over to find a quiet apartment because no one had come over and Heather had gone to bed early because she was depressed, anxious, and exhausted. Totally nothing like that. Here's how it really went.

I DID go to VBS (word for at least one prediction coming true!) and spent 98% of my time sweating the pounds off on the third floor, trying to make heads or tails (or robes) out of the Biblical costuming. I knew I had to have all my players dressed, but did not realize I was going to be making sure everyone was dressed. Of course that responsibility would fall to me, now that I actually think about it, I just didn't realize it last night. So I ended up not going to group because I was "cleaning" the third floor and really could not leave in the middle of it. I...can't leave projects like that unfinished. I really can't. I would drive me something close to insane. I didn't end up leaving the church until 8, which isn't bad. By that time I had things organized to where I knew there were and would be if I needed extra doo dads. I had costumes picked out for all known 22 actors, tribe leaders, and shop keepers. Some people don't have names on anything specific because, quite frankly, I have no idea who they are. BUT I did get all the present outfits together, made guesses on a bunch of people, and had the extra set aside in size range so I can figure out what to do for the people I have yet to meet. And I gotta say, I feel pretty accomplished with that all organized.

Now to get some Roman Soldier costumes for Heather and myself. I have to check with Cindy to see if any other soldiers are present because if they are, I might be pulling double duty. Which is really okay with me. I love helping out with VBS as long as I don't have to work directly with the children. :D

In the middle of cleaning I got a text that told me we would be having company for SYTYCD after all. Which immediately made me want to throw up. Thankfully, I was able to keep my dinner in my stomach and finish my work. Driving home I was anticipating some seriously awkward...ness...ish stuff. But once again, my thinking did not line up with actual reality. It was a good night with good conversation. It would have gone on longer (because Heather was in the other room on the phone) had our second guest not arrived. Don't get me wrong, I love said second guest, but I was enjoying the conversation. The text was never brought up and I'm not sure how to address that, but whatever. So it ended on a really good note and is having me looking forward to next Wednesday even more. ^_^

Then last night! O_o I had the weirdest dream. In this dream Ian spent the night in Heather's bed, (she wasn't in it! In fact, I don't even know where she was) and when we all woke up in the morning, Jess, Adam, Connor and their new kitten, along with my brother and Tim were there. And my brother was being really mean to the new kitten. Oh my gosh, it was the cutest little thing ever. And my brother, who in real life loves animals more than people at times I think, was like....bowling with the poor thing. He was using the little kitten as a bowling ball! Naturally Jess got upset to I went in and rescued it. Then I think we all decided to go up on the roof (Which was flat and tar, completely unlike the roof I actually have) to have a BBQ and a small summer party. Ian left to go get drinks and snacks, the boys took off to...smoke? I assume? Leaving me, Jess, Heather and the baby. Hmm...don't know where Adam went. So we drew on the roof with colored chalk and started talking to the people in the neighborhood from up on the roof. Did I mention we were dressed like White Trash? Yeah. And just as Ian got back with the food items, a helicopter came and was about to land in my driveway before I woke up.

Honestly, I don't even know.

Funny how I used to be so crazy about updating this thing when nothing was going on in my life. Now that life is spinning sideways and upside down, I seem to have forgotten about it. Four weeks? Really? Good grief! Well, I'm back now. Hopefully for more than this entry. I was reminded by a friend that this is a good place to just have my word vomit and to purge myself of everything. So I'm going to try doing that again and see if it doesn't help. To catch you up on everything that has transpired over the past four weeks would take way too long to write down. So, I am just going to write as though I have been all along, and like everyone will know exactly what I'm talking about. If you don't, just ask. I don't bite.

I was struck last night by thinking how interesting it is to me, the things God uses to teach us. I feel like all I have been doing since getting back from the Women of Faith conference is struggling. First I struggled with my deep anger toward Him, then my depression over Heather's new relationship, my depression over my own stupidity and something impulsive I did that has more than likely cost me a friendship, and ultimately back to the hatred of myself that I was dealing with over a month ago. Sunday night I literally lay in my bad, sobbing, telling Heather that before she'd come in I had been praying, pleading with God to just take me in my sleep, to not let me wake up. Obviously, God did not listen to me.

Monday I was still feeling like crap, and then Tuesday morning came. I sat here after reading my devotional, enjoying my coffee and just talking with God. I asked Him to be with me throughout my day, to give me patience with Connor, to let my night and my important conversations to be had to go smoothly, and to remember that I am not alone.

That used to be one of those "typical Christian lines" I always hated. "You're never alone. He is always with you." Yeah, that ranked about as high in my book as, "God never gives you any more than you can handle." That saying just sets me right into defensive irritation. But yesterday it was something different.

Yesterday as I prayed those last few words, "help me to remember I'm not alone," I truly felt I wasn't alone. I had the most wonderful sensation of arms, strong and protective, wrapping around me, and in my spirit I heard the words, "Lean on Me." It was not a request, not a suggestion, but a gentle command. I was being told to lay my burdens on His shoulders. So I did.

I've had random popcorn prayers with God before during my days, but never like yesterday. Yesterday we talked a lot, and at the most random times and, sometimes, about the most random things. He was truly my constant companion and when things got too emotional, too tense, too anything, I would hear those words again. "Lean on Me." Now, it goes without saying that it didn't make everything all better and the feelings go away. But it made it manageable. Right now, for me, that's huge.

Deuteronomy 33:27 says, "The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." I fell into those arms a lot yesterday. When I was dealing with an emotional roommate, when facing off with a very stubborn almost-three-year-old, when having a conversation with my best friend, when telling my parents my plans about moving within six months to a year, and especially when having a late night conversation with my oldest and most cherished friend. I was falling into those arms...or maybe clinging to them would be more accurate. I know I will fall into them again today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. But the thing is, it is so reassuring to know that as often as I fall, He will always be there to pick me up, dust me off, and hold me...to remind me that I don't have to carry my burdens all alone. All I have to do is lean on Him.

Why is it, (and please don't answer this question because it is completely rhetorical) that when you're able to crawl your way up from a dark and evil pit to get yourself to a place where you're actually happy, Satan has to come along and swipe your legs out from under you again?

I was so depressed and hating life as much as I hated myself for how long? Then, I actually got to a place where I was feeling really good, was really optimistic and all that, and then crap like this happens. Why FREAKING why?

So my whole truck drama has been no secret to anyone. I'll start at the beginning just to catch anyone up who hasn't been up to speed the entire time.

About nine months ago, my truck started seriously overheating. I brought it to my most wonderful and trusted mechanic who told me I had two blown head gaskets and to fix it would run me somewhere around $1,700. So, sobbing, I figured that was it. It had to be junked. Well Heather's setp-dad, Matt, stepped in and said, "Hey, a buddy of mine is a great mechanic. I can get him to do it for you for a fraction of that. I'll pay him and just add it to what you owe me." (He was the one who bought the car for me in the first place.) So my truck gets towed away to Belmont.

Fast forward eight months. Matt is now calling John regularly, trying to get the scoop on what the heck is up. Three weeks ago he said, "It'll be ready by this weekend." And then he stopped answering his phone. Finally Matt got a hold of his son and said, "Look, tell your father to answer the phone or I am sending her over there with the cops." So John answers his phone that night, or the next day or something, and starts running off his mouth. "I'm gonna have it towed. She owes me $800 for storage. This was just a charity case anyway!" Which ticked Matt off because he payed him with a diamond ring that JOHN got appraised for over $2,000, plus gave Matt about $800 back. Or something. I don't know the details. All I know is that they had an agreement to begin with. So Matt said he was going to send me over with the cops, and that was that.

Well, then Matt backs off and is all like, "Well, we should try to keep calling him, blah blah blah. He said it was towed to such and such a place, blah blah blah." Mom and I drove by this supposed place he had it towed, as well as John's house, and saw nothing of my truck. So after a week of trying to get him to answer his phone, we decided we're not playing this stupid game anymore.

Tonight, Heather and I got a cop from Belmont PD, (I swear to GOD the woman flinched when I said who had my car!) and drove out to John's house. It's bad when all you have to do is say a name to make a cop twitch, rub his eyes, and say he knows the place. So we go out there, the cop stays at his car acting as a civil citizen, just there to make sure no one pops a cap in anyone else, and Heather and I go up to the door. This is how it goes down.

J: Who's there?
H: We're here about the Aztek
J: What Aztek? (Because they're oh-so-popular, I can see how you'd get mine confused with all the other ones you're NOT working on.)
D: The purple one.
H: The one my dad payed you to fix.
J: You can get it back when he pays me my f***ing money.

At which point he looks back at his television and refuses to acknowledge we even exist. So Heather says "Guess we'll see you in court," and John replies, "Guess you will."

Now, the cop can't do anything, which I don't completely understand since I have the title in my hand, but offers us a small nugget of wisdom before he departs. "You're going to have to take him to court." Right. Thanks. Think we got that.


And that's where we stand. I am so very afraid that he is now going to "lose" the truck or destroy it, because apparently this is the type of man he is. So now I don't know what to do. Two people have told me to report it stolen since the bill has absolutely nothing to do with me, I never signed anything, yada yada yada. I'm waiting to hear back from a friend of mine who has legal expertise so we'll see what happens.

Right now, I would like to just throw in the towel. I am pissed off enough to just want to quit. And I am also pissed enough to walk back over to John's house and start something.

But we all know I won't.

So yesterday I put this on my Facebook status: "Wanted: New Best Friend. Old one is no longer socially acceptable. Call or text for further details." I can't get into why because, as hilarious as my reasoning for putting this up was, Heather would KILL me. *giggles insanely* So anyway, I thought people would get a laugh out of it. SO MANY PEOPLE TOOK IT SERIOUSLY! I was like...o_O Firstly, if Heather and I got into a fight so bad that it would split us up or something like that, I'm pretty sure my status would be more depressing than that. We've been best friends for almost 21 years! Secondly, would I really be like, "Boo hoo, I need a new best friend. Who wants to be it?"

I laugh at it all, but at the same time I am slightly disturbed that people took it so literally.

Vanessa was the first one to really have fun with it and I still laugh at our conversation.

V: What's the job description?
M: You have to be as awesome as me, let me rant to you when I need to, and give me chocolate ALL THE TIME.
V: Ahhh, I see. Am I what you're looking for?
M: I don't know. Do you have any references?
V: Hmmm...well, you can text Melissa or Ian or Abraham...or you can call...to talk to Lynn
M: Okay, I will check into those and get back to you.
V: Thank you. How longdo you think it will be before you get back to me? I have a couple other job offers.
M: I'll let you know before the end of tomorrow.


HAHAHAHAHA! That made me laugh so much. And then Josh sends me an actual resume. That totally made my night. In the end I decided to hire both Ness and Josh to replace Heather, Nancy is the pinch hitter, and the Wild girls are BFFs in training.

Good times. lol Now I need to get ready for the day so I can get back to writing. Pray I don't lose my muse. This piece really needs to just be written in one sitting.

Thankfully, tonight is better than last night. Tonight I don't feel like I want to cry. I actually feel lighter and a little relieved. It has a lot to do with a really good day/night, and just being honest with Heather.

This morning Diana picked me up and we went to run errands and have lunch. It was really great to get out of the house and catch up with her. I don't think we're going to try the whole mentoring thing again, but it is good to know what's been going on with her and the reasons why we lost track of one another. I just love her. She's so sweet and wonderful. Must go with the name. :D

Then tonight we went over to Lacy's to play Harry Potter Scene It. It made us all want to watch GoF, and Lacy has all the movies, but of course that particular one had been lent out. So we watched OotP instead. Lacy cracks me up. We had a good friendship going during my first One Voice Christmas production but that got lost when we stopped seeing each other so much. Tonight reminded me of how much I love her and I can't neglect friendships.

On the way home I came clean with Heather about how I was feeling about the BBQ tomorrow. She was surprisingly understanding. I honestly didn't expect it, but just having her telling me it was okay and not to stress over it made me feel so much better. I know Jess and Adam won't be happy but...I just can't do it right now. And it's not just the whole 5ht wheel thing, it's a cumulation of everything. I'm telling you, when you get in this cycle of self-depreciation, it's deep and it's debilitating.

So I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, but I have Mark's car, and an afternoon free. I might go get coffee and bring my notebook. Perhaps I will strategically place myself inside a certain Dunkin Donuts. *giggles*

Now it's time to go to bed, read a chapter, do a section of mt homework, and fall asleep. I am so very much looking forward to Hannah's recital tomorrow. And I am determined to have a good day.

I was going to try and not do this, to write when I was feeling like crap, but it's been a week of this feeling and this is really the only place I can just let it all out and deal with the aftermath later. It's my place to be free, and uncensored, and honest. Anyone doesn't like it, they can stop reading. No skin off my nose.

My original plan was to update SiaSL tonight but I'm not feeling it. I've had this newest entry plotted out for some time, but I can't seem to make myself actually sit down and write it. Even my book is struggling. My head is a mess right now so my characters are saying and doing things that I know they wouldn't. It's irritating.

I feel like I want to cry all the time. That sounds like a gross exaggeration, but it couldn't be more true. Everything makes me feel like I want to cry. The only time I feel nothing is when I am reading or playing my game. Other than that, I'm pretty much a word away from losing it. And my brain is constantly going where it shouldn't. And...I don't even know. I can't even get it out in any way that would make sense because I am such a mess.

Diana invited me to lunch tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I don't want to talk about me at all because I know I will dissolve into tears. I just want a nice, superficial lunch where I can smile and say it's all good, and be on my merry way like I can sometimes get away with when it comes to church people and family, but I know it ain't gonna happen tomorrow. What I really want to do is just get in my truck and drive. I don't know where I'd go or how far I would get, but I just want to get away from here. I want to get away from everyone I know and go to a place where no one knows me at all.

Haha, it looks like I'm talking about myself in the third person. In One Voice (at one time) there were actually three Dianas and a Dianne. Nuts, right?

I have no one to talk to that knows where I'm coming from. And I'm lonely, but I don't want to talk to anyone. Which is messed up. I know I do not want to go have a BBQ on Saturday. Because again, I will be the odd man out. And from things I've heard and observations, it seems rather inevitable that that's how it's going to truly be at some point. But what can I do? I can't be like, "Ya'll are my best friends but I don't want to spend time with you when it's going to be us five," because I know the answers I'll get.

Get over it.
Connor will be here, too.
So you're going to avoid us every time he's here?

Among others. It's like I'm saying choose me or him, but I'm not. And I can't say I can't do it because it's too hard, because no one can really be empathetic. Sympathy is one thing in this situation, empathy is a whole other ball game right now. And it's something I'm lacking.

Seriously, I need to get away. I have to figure out a place to go, even if it's just for the weekend or something. A place where I can be alone and unknown by anyone. And cheap, since I have no money. It sounds awful, but I want to just pretend for awhile that I don't know anyone I know. I just don't want to be me.


Where is my Scotsman who will marry me and take me back to Scotland where I belong?

I hate having such a wonderful day and then immediately after that, I have a craptastic day. Yesterday, National Day of Prayer, was wonderful. The performance was great, I could definitely feel the Spirit in that auditorium. We had ice cream with Hannah afterward at Friendy's and saw a bunch of familiar faces there. Ian gave us nice compliments, as did a bajillion other people. It was just a really good day. And then today happens.

The day wasn't too too bad. I actually wrote this morning, did my bible study homework, showered, and cleaned my kitchen. It was as the day wore on that my mood started seriously sinking. By the time Heather got home I was in a pretty crabby mood. We find out one of our three boys is not going, leaving me feeling like the fifth wheel since there may or may not be something going on between Heather and one of the other guys going to Six Flags with us. Doesn't matter either way; she's interested in him and he's been texting her a lot. The other people we're going with are Blue and Mojo, who are married. And then there's me.

So I'm in this great mood (that's called sarcasm by the way) as I head off to my audition. I wasn't nervous at all because I'm actually getting a lot better about performing in front of other people. I rather enjoy it and look forward to doing it. Even the butterflies are good. When I got there I was a little nervous, prayed, got my stuff together, and headed inside. The second I saw someone who could possibly be auditioning or working on/with/in the play I was auditioning for that was male I freaked out. I turned right around, got into the van, and drove off. Didn't get far before I was sobbing, of course, and ended up having to pull over for a few minutes.

I don't know why, after all the therapy and all the progress I have made in myself, I am still so fricken broken in this area. It seriously makes me hate myself for how retarded I am. Like...seriously? Who is really that afraid of men? I feel like the only guy I am not afraid of who isn't family to me has no idea I even exist, and I'm too afraid of the entire male gender to even begin to explore what's out there. I can't even put into words the depth of my fear. And you have no idea how it makes me feel about myself. I'm a year away from 30, and look at where I am. It's embarrassing and disappointing.

I don't know how to not be this broken. And I am so sick of crying right now! I don't even want to go tomorrow anymore. I just want to stay home with my writing, my books, and my games. I'm too socially inept to be allowed out in public anyway,

Up at seven because of a stupid crow right outside my window, some idiot beeping instead of getting out of his car, and my neighbor slamming her door shut when she left. And I couldn't write because Heather was still here and I couldn't put on my music. I could do it now, but it would be forced. And it would suck.

Meredith Village Players is holding auditions this weekend for "The Sound of Music" and I think I'm going to go to them Friday night. I just have to bring something to sing, they'll have reading material. I'm feeling like I want to do more artsy stuff. National Day of Prayer has kind of eased me back into the whole "ZOMG I am on stage and never want to LEEEEEEVEEEEE!" state, but it's not Christmas or Easter. My first Christmas with One Voice was cool because I actually had a speaking part. And I was still in the process of no longer being afraid of everything that moved. Now that I have more confidence in myself, I want to do more. And not too long ago I said I wanted to be Liesel in TSoM. Any part would be cool, really. I just want to perform!

I had a dream last night that I went to an audition, but it was a dancing one. That's weird, just because I am so not talented enough to be a professional dancer for ANYTHING! And as my audition went on, I knew it was terrible as much as the judges knew it was terrible. Like, the song ended and they kinda just looked at me. I laughed (whereas in real life I would cry and run off stage) and told them I knew it was terrible. I even told them I had no idea what I was doing but wanted to get some auditions under my belt to take the edge off of going to them. :-D They ended up being as amused with me as I was with myself.

With any luck, I should be getting my truck back this weekend! Not that I'll be able to drive it since I have no money to get it registered and inspected, but I will have it back! That will be half the battle won! I am so excited. Almost as excited as I am for Saturday. What is Saturday, you may ask? SIX FLAGS!!!!! WAHOO!!!!!

So here's a breakdown of what life looks like for the next...eh...week?
Today: Dress rehearsal(?) for NDoP @ Gilford
Tomorrow: NDoP performance @ Gilford (Free admission, ya'll!)
Friday: TSoM auditions in Meredith (Kristin, if you read this they are looking for children. I don't know if that's something you'd be interested in for Jessalyn or if it was something she would be interested in for herself.)
Saturday: Six Flags with Millie, Blue, Mojo...Jeremiah and Mike. Hmm. I need codenames for those two.
Sunday: Church
Monday: Dance
Tuesday: Writer's Meeting
Wednesday: Bible Study

Busy busy. Plus I have to figure out a time to talk to Cindy about VBS. I'm wicked excited for that. Healthwise, things have been like 60/40 with more good days than bad. Humidity hasn't been bad so that is helping. I am taking advantage of this "active season" while I can. Knowing my body as I do, this summer is going to suck the life out of me. x_x

Um, what else? Nothing I can think of. I need to print out the text to my children's book so Nessa can take it with her to Texas/ She's going to try her hand at illustrating it. And if she's inspired enough to do it, we can be published together. Children's books have a much higher publishing rate if the author comes with her own illustrator!

Oh me, oh my. Choreographing is so not easy. I gave props to Ian last night and he told me not to stress, and to remember it's God moving through us and they're His movements, not ours. Not always easy to remember, so it was good to be reminded. We have about 2/3 of the song done, but we're all feeling like it's lacking something. Like movement. LOL

I'm excited to go to the "Perform It!" performance tonight. I've been seeing nothing but rave reviews of it on Facebook, and I adore at least four people in the cast. It's all very exciting.

Writing this morning revealed an interesting plot twist to me. And it was something so obvious that I was like, "Really? Why didn't I think of that in the first place?" kinda thing. It means I have to go back and tweak some things in earlier chapters, but nothing too much. Isn't this was rough drafts are for, anyway? It's a good thing I have the blog on the website to keep everyone up to speed on certain changes in the story that wouldn't add up from chapter to chapter. And it's a good reminder to myself of the things I need to change while I'm doing my editing.

I drew a basic bust of Luella in her dragon form. It's not great and needs a lot of work, but I might see if I can upload it to FB so people can see it. *shrugs* I never claimed to be an artist!

Oh my gosh, my dial up is killing me. So not easy to do research on dance through YouTube when you have such a slow connection. *dies*

I love it when things like this happen. It's just a slap in the face to people who say there is no God, only good luck and coincidences.

Yesterday we had Dance. Or, well, sort of Dance. I couldn't do much because I was having chest pains all day. Nessa couldn't do anything because she wasn't feeling well. Abby Cat isn't done with her other Monday night engagements yet, Sara wasn't there, and Melissa didn't want to come so there were basically only two people dancing. We showed Hannah what we have so far of Freedom and she helped us add a bit more on to it. We were done by 5-5:30ish. Class usually goes until 6. Well, just sitting around and chatting afterward, Nessa asked me if I was the only one doing National Day of Prayer (meaning the only one from our little social group.) I told her yes, and how sad I was about it, and Hannah asked if any of the songs had any dancing this year. I told her no, because it was such a short season and all. She and Ness were like, "We should just choreograph something to one of the songs and surprise Dona Lynn with it." So they took a look at my music books at the songs, and both, without talking to each other, decided on the same song. "I Wanna Be Clean" is my favorite song for NDoP this year, and it was the one they liked as well.

So as soon as DL got back to the church, I went to ask her for a rehearsal CD. She asked me what I needed it for and I told her we wanted to listen to a couple of the songs. She asked if we were thinking about dancing to any of them and I said, "Actually, we were thinking about seeing what we could do for 'I Wanna Be Clea.'" She just kinda looked at me for a second, and then broke into the biggest smile. "I have been praying about that all day," she told me. "God really impressed upon me that that song needed dancing with it."

O_O

Isn't that awesome? We were all just amazed. And then, AND THEN! Hannah and Vanessa started working on it, just fleshing out moves and stuff, again not talking to each other, and at least three or four different times they did the same move for certain words. It was just the coolest thing. It felt like one of those times when God just had to step in and say, "Hey! I'm still here and I am the one in control of this thing. How about, instead of what you want to do, you do what I want you to do?" And it's awesome! I'm still kind of blown away by it. Just great. I love it.

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I left The Field and feel pretty good about it. *sigh of relief*

Yesterday we had our first dance class since One Voice and I forgot how much I missed it. Actually, I knew I missed it. It was just really nice to have that structure again.

Vanessa and I have this great relationship. We've been trying to choreograph this song since...hmm...I dunno, but it's been awhile. I come up with all these good basic moves, and Vanessa improves on them. We have a great partnership, I just wish she had more confidence in herself. Like last night, she showed me something that was beautiful and then meekly said, "but we can change it if you want." This girl has been dancing for less than two years and she has such a gift for it. I hope she realizes it someday.

So anyway, we got the first stanza of the song done and the first eight measures of the chorus, and it's really pretty. We were missing three girls so it wasn't as nice as it will be, but I am so excited. I have missed dancing!

And One Voice! We had our first meeting for National Day of Prayer last night and I got all excited over that. A lot of really good songs. It's going to be a really powerful night.

I miss my notebook. I left it at my parents' Saturday and haven't really been able to write since. I know it sounds odd, but it's true. I get into these fervors when I write that can only be likened to Issac Mendez, or Matt Parkman when they paint/painted the future. I go until I can't anyone or whatever, and then I'm like, "What the heck did I write?" So I'm stuck. Thankfully I get it back tonight. Speaking of tonight, WRITER'S MEETING! Woo hooooo! I SO wish these were more than once a month, but alas, people have busy schedules. I wish I knew more writers in this area. I'd start my own weekly one that involved constructive criticism, as well as time to share and bounce ideas off of other people.

We already started making plans with Blue and Mojo for Six Flags trips this summer. I want to go...like, yesterday. Oh my gosh, the adrenaline rush from Superman is no longer calling my name, but screaming it. Plus, we can't tell from the website if it has been remodeled, or if Superman Bizarro is a completely new coaster. And if it is, it looks like they took out Batman to put up the new one. Which is sad because I loved that ride as well. *sighs* I'm such an adrenaline junkie. Someday, after I get published and have the money, I am going to go on a cross-country roller coaster tour. *nods* That. Will. Be. Awesome.

Other plans for the summer:
Going down to Cinti for Katie's graduation.
Going to Oswego, New York for our favorite Ren faire. Pirate weekend. Arrr!
Get certain people up/over here for a nice long visit.
Start my small group (if not sooner).
Finish the book (if not sooner).
Find an agent and an editor. Or vice versa. I don't see being ready for publishing before Fall.

I love it when I have people say to me, "Oh my gosh, this has to be made into a movie!" Or like when people have said they were stealing names for their children. I warn against that, however, because you never know how anyone will turn out. Blue loved Aidan from my last book (that has been scrapped so I am not spoiling anything for anyone) and told Adam she wanted to name their son that if they had a boy. By the time she got more than halfway into the book, she decided against it because the character, which started out charming everyone, turned out to be a real puke.

Sara told me she was mad with something I did, and I told her that was good. My intention as a writer is to make people feel for the characters and hate me when I have them do certain things. I want them to cry and feel the emotions the characters are feeling. If they don't, then I'm not doing my job.

I've also had people tell me it would make an awesome game. With so many key characters, it would make a great RPG or something. I don't know if I agree or not. Fantasy novels usually have a lot of key characters in them. I don't think there's enough conflict jumping to make it game material. I could be wrong, but...and then Nancy always tells me when it's made into an audio book, I should be the one to read it.

Anyway...I was just informed I need to make cookies so I should get off of here. Maybe I'll make brownies, too, since they've been in the cupboard for awhile...

What a busy weekend! No wonder I am so exhausted, man. Friday we went and had dinner with Glinda and Angela. We watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium...and it was rather odd. Good, but odd. And not likely something I'll seek to spend money on to have in my house all the time. Although, calling the accountant a "counter mutant" was rather amusing to me. Especially when they called the poor man "mutant" for the entire length of the movie.

Saturday was Christmas with my family. Yeah, a little late (or early?) I know, but nothing about my family is normal. That was fun. With grilled food. Woo! I have missed being able to grill out. We had a lot of food, a lot of fun, and a lot of laughs. And my brother finally got rhe afro he's been wanting.

Yesterday I had Worship Team for both services as well as special music. Plus I walked to DD between services, which was quite an adventure for me. Nothing happened, but I haven't taken a nice walk in a long time. I think I'm going to start walking on the days that I can. Not that there's any great scenery around here like in Meredith, but walking would be good. I just heard some woman saying his she lost 25 pounds just from walking 30 mins to an hour every day. I could stand to lose 25 pounds! Anyway, my first solo went well. The comments I got after both services were wonderful and sweet, and made me want to do it again. Hopefully I'll have the opportunity.

I found out I have a fan club for the book already, too. That combined with the singing made me feel like I was on cloud nine. I like having discussions about my book. I want more of them! Afterward I went to Blue and Mojo's for dinner, games, and lots of time with my Little Bear. We also started scheduling the times when we plan on going to Six Flags. I figured since I have no hole in my heart now, and I've had this issue for seven years and have been going on roller coasters the whole time, no need to stop now. PLUS, Superman Bizarro? HELLO! Someone will have to physically restrain me from going on that if I'm not allowed to. All I gotta say.

This morning I had the abdominal scan. Nothing really to report there.

I'm wicked tired, though. And trying to ignore the pain that's trying to make me acknowledge it. I have Dance this afternoon, and then One Voice. And I'm sorry, but I am tired of sitting on the sidelines. Again, if I need to, someone is going to have to restrain me. I don't want to be an observer of life. I want to live it.

Oh, and Stranger in a Strange Land has been updated several times since it's moved. Sorry, I keep forgetting to link it.

Set your music player to "shuffle," and for each question, press the next button...so the first song that comes up is "Opening Credits," the second one is "Waking Up," etc.
You must write down the song that pops up, no matter how embarrassing it is!

Opening credits: "Breathe on Me" - Britney Spears (Oooo...this is going to be a sexy movie.)

Waking Up: "Walking in the Air" - Chloe Agnew (Must be some good dreams.)

First Day at School: "Newgrange" - Celtic Woman

Falling in Love: "Slow Fade" - Casting Crowns (Aw man, that doesn't sound good...)

Breaking Up: "Dancing Through Life" - Wicked (But apparently I'm happy to be rid of him!)

Prom: "Streets of Gold" - Needtobreathe

Life's Okay: "Never Alone" - BarlowGirl

Mental Breakdown: "Don't Let Me Stop You" - Kelly Clarkson

Driving: "Weeping" - Josh Groban (Weepy driving?)

Flashback: "We're Young and Beautiful" - Carrie Underwood

Getting Back Together: "Red Sam" - Flyleaf (What?)

Wedding: "How You Live" - Point of Grace (Like that!)

Birth of Child: "Hosanna" - Hillsong United

Final Battle: "Three Wishes" - The Pierces

Death Scene: "Beautiful" - Bethany Dillon

Funeral: "Dove Amongst Eagles" - Sheila Walsh

End Credits: "Audience of One" - Big Daddy Weave

Title: Brand New Day
Word Count: 400
Rating: G
Genre: Original (SSH)

( And I can hear you say it's a brand new day. The pain goes away, and I'm headed for the door. )

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